I don't know right now

Life is so crazy sometimes.  It has been insane lately. Today another teacher and I took a group of 60 kids to the Denver Art Museum.  It always scares me to take a group of kids to Denver and then set them free and hope they make it back to the bus when they are told to.  However in all the times I have taken kids to the Denver the worst thing that has ever happened was catching a kid smoking when we were waiting for the buses.  It was exhausting to say the least.  I was on my feet all day (which I am not supposed to be) since I have been having the fluid injections in my knee for the past few weeks.  Tomorrow is my last shot.  The fluid is meant to improve the lubrication in my knee since I have little to none anymore. This all stems from a sports injury when I was 13, 3 previous surgeries and ultimately being aggravated by my car accident last December.

After work I rushed across town for a part time job interview at a greenhouse/nursery for this spring.  Bradley and I realized that we are living a comfortable life but also just scraping by at the same time.  We have gone through a lot of different options that include moving in with my grandma, down sizing to an apartment, to taking second jobs.  I would be working weekends and evenings taking care of plants and cashiering.  I don't love the idea of a second job but it is what needs to be done to make life easier in the long run I can deal for now.

Tonight I still have to chaperone an orchestra concert at work.  It is my yearly teacher duty.  I am looking forward to listening the music.  Last year I had to chaperone prom.  It wasn't as awful as it could of been but it just took me back to my prom (especially since it was in the same venue) and how awful my prom was.  This duty sounds much more me.

Yesterday I received a letter from the University of Texas at Austin regarding my graduate school application.  I have been wait listed for the program.  So basically I am a back up.  If someone who is accepted into the program doesn't want their spot they will offer it to me.  I was disappoint at first and then I just got down right angry... which does not happen very often.  I guess I just feel like I have been going through the motions of life lately and I was banking on this to wake me up.  Today I have made a point to just take one thing at a time and experience today only.  It is helping.  I plan to much and I expect things to go the way I plan them.  I should know better really.  So we will see what happens.  It is not the end of the road with this situation but I am done making plans for it when nothing is set in stone.
Last night and on the bus ride back from Denver I have been thinking about what it is in life that I still feel like I am missing.  It really comes down to traveling and helping those in other countries/place that are in need.  When I was a sophomore in college the tsunami in Indonesia happened and I was set for about two days on not continuing my spring semester and going to Indonesia to help the people there.
I also never told anyone that.  I really could of but I chickened out and at the time it was probably for them best.  I wouldn't be were I am today in my career if I had done that.  It feels more urgent or more pressing now.  Since I have been a teacher I have applied for a few international programs during the summer but I have never been accepted.  Its really about just finding avenues to make it happen at this point.

In the mean time I have been baking a lot so enjoy this picture of molten chocolate cake I made the other day.